Autumn: I have a big meeting today I did not prepare for. Autumn: I don't know how to answer questions about market growth and all that shit I hate talking about. Dan: If you get in trouble, say you need to go to the bathroom and then pull the fire alarm. Dan: Then let them see you running out of the building with your pants around your ankles. Dan: No one would have the guts to accuse you. Iris: just fire everyone else at the meeting Iris: then you win, and they all have to leave! Autumn: They don't work for me. Iris: doesn't matter Iris: anyone can be fired Iris: this is the secret of business Iris: i continually fire whoever i like the least and replace them Iris: even if they did a good job Dan: I guess at some point you'd have a core group of really great people. Dan: If the constant turnover didn't stress them all out first. Iris: wellllllllll Iris: everybody's pretty horrible Iris: i mean, you figure everybody you interview you can think of them as having a score from 1 to 100 Iris: if you have five employees, you fire the lowest scoring guy, george, who had a 4, you're going to be able to replace him with the very next person who comes along most likely Iris: say they're a 17 Iris: although that's still the lowest, so you'd just fire them immediately anyway, so you wait for somebody who's better than the worst employee you still have Iris: ron, who has a 21 Iris: there, and we get a guy who has a 27 Iris: then we fire ron, and replace him with a guy who has at least a 27 Iris: hey, this applicant has a 60! Iris: so we hire him, fire the guy we just hired to replace george, and now we need sombody better than suzie, who has a 32 Iris: really this is more like having 4 employees than 5 Iris: because one of the 5 is always fired Iris: you might think at some point the tiny increase in employee quality wouldn't be worth doing tons of interviews Iris: but i enjoy interviewing people and firing them more than doing my job Iris: another important twist is that if the value of someone's replacement falls below their own value, i fire the replacement and re-hire the original person Iris: unless i find another better applicant in that time Iris: but i usually don't Iris: so i hire them back only to fire them again as soon as i do Iris: hiring and firing them repeatedly as their replacements don't work out Iris: which is pretty hilarious but hard to explain to my superiors Iris: also a person's score has little to do with how good a worker they are Iris: because i don't really care about that Iris: you might wonder, how is someone's score calculated, really? Iris: i don't talk to these people much anyway Iris: so the staff mostly consists of people who are fun to look at or have entertaining names Iris: anyway, tell the people at your meeting that Iris: and then give them scores Iris: send me anyone who's above a 73 Autumn: Reading all that is actually making me feel pretty prepared for this meeting. Autumn: Now that I know how much worse someone can be.
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