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I entered Goat Plague in a one-act play festival at the University of Rochester. It didn't win the $100 prize I'd hoped for, but in theater, we are all winners.

You will notice that there are points indicated at which four subplays may be injected into the performance. The nature of these subplays is entirely incidental to Goat Plague itself, and they may be chosen by any arbitrary process that comes to hand. Having the Goat Plague actors move scenery to prepare for these subplays seems to work pretty nicely.


(Ted and Mary are sitting on a wide bench. Horace is standing by, somewhat agitated. The three of them are in the middle of a conversation. They're all wearing ugly hats of different kinds.)

Horace: If there were a plague caused by goats, they'd call it the Goat Plague.

Ted: Maybe so, but if there were a plague that only affected goats, they'd call it that too.

Horace: That's not as significant. Even if a plague were caused by goats but only killed chickens, they'd call it the Goat Plague. That's my point.

Ted: If it exclusively killed chickens, they'd call it Chicken Plague. The effects are what matter.

Horace: Chicken Plague? That's absurd! People want to know the cause.

Ted: I don't think you know what people want.

Horace: Look, let's see what Mary thinks.

(Horace and Ted turn to Mary)

(First subplay)

Horace: Look, let's see what Mary thinks.

(Horace and Ted turn to Mary)

Horace: Mary, if a plague were caused by goats but killed chickens, would you call it the Goat Plague or the Chicken Plague?

Mary: What do you mean by "caused by goats"?

Ted: Chickens get the plague if they touch a goat.

Horace: Or if it sneezes on them.

Mary: Why are you asking me this?

Horace: Why are you asking me that?

Mary: Why are you —

Ted: You guys are boring. I'm going to go find someone else.

Mary: Good idea.

(Ted walks up to Dan. Dan has no hat.)

Ted: Dan, you're an epidemiologist. I have a question that's right up your alley.

(Second subplay)

Ted: Dan, you're an epidemiologist. I have a question that's right up your alley.

Dan: I'm not an epidemiologist. I mean, I took a biology class in high school, but that's about it.

Ted: If you owned a farm, and the goats carried a deadly plague that only killed chickens, would you call it Goat Plague or Chicken Plague?

Dan: Why did you call me an epidemiologist?

Ted: It gave me a reason to ask you the question.

Dan: I notice you didn't say "a good reason".

Ted: Look, would you call it Goat Plague or Chicken Plague?

Dan: Yes.

Ted: Good. Now come over here.

(Ted walks back to Horace and Mary. Dan follows somewhat apprehensively.)

Dan: You know, I think I'd like to change my answer.

(Third subplay)

Dan: You know, I think I'd like to change my answer.

Ted: Your answer was yes.

Dan: Now it's no.

Mary: No to what?

Dan: Whether I would call it Goat Plague or Chicken Plague.

Horace: So what would you call it?

Dan: Well, since it's first seen in my farm, I'd just name it after myself. Instant fame.

Mary: Who said anything about it starting in your farm?

Horace: Yeah! I'd imagined it originating among wild goats!

Ted: Wait, there are way more domesticated goats than wild ones. It's likely that the plague would start with them.

Mary: Also, domesticated goats are in more crowded conditions. I think that might help a plague outbreak.

Horace: It wouldn't help, it would make it worse.

Mary: You know what I mean.

Dan: The way I heard the question, it definitely began on my farm, but I can assure you I wouldn't subject my goats to overcrowding.

(Fourth subplay)

Horace: If there were a plague caused by goats, they'd call it the Goat Plague.

Ted: Maybe so, but if there were a plague that only affected goats, they'd call it that too.

Horace: That's not as significant. Even if a plague were caused by goats but only killed chickens, they'd call it the Goat Plague. That's my point.

Ted: If it exclusively killed chickens, they'd call it Chicken Plague. The effects are what matter.

Horace: Chicken Plague? That's absurd! People want to know the cause.

Ted: I don't think you know what people want.

Horace: Look, let's see what Mary thinks.

(Horace and Ted turn to Mary)

Horace: Mary, if a plague were caused by goats but killed chickens, would you call it the Goat Plague or the Chicken Plague?

Mary: What do you mean by "caused by goats"?

Ted: Chickens get the plague if they touch a goat.

Horace: Or if it sneezes on them.

Mary: Why are you asking me this?

Horace: Why are you asking me that?

Mary: Why are you —

Ted: You guys are boring. I'm going to go find someone else.

Mary: Good idea.

(Ted walks up to Dan. Dan has no hat.)

Ted: Dan, you're an epidemiologist. I have a question that's right up your alley.

Dan: I'm not an epidemiologist. I mean, I took a biology class in high school, but that's about it.

Ted: If you owned a farm, and the goats carried a deadly plague that only killed chickens, would you call it Goat Plague or Chicken Plague?

Dan: Why did you call me an epidemiologist?

Ted: It gave me a reason to ask you the question.

Dan: I notice you didn't say "a good reason".

Ted: Look, would you call it Goat Plague or Chicken Plague?

Dan: Yes.

Ted: Good. Now come over here.

(Ted walks back to Horace and Mary. Dan follows somewhat apprehensively.)

Dan: You know, I think I'd like to change my answer.

Ted: Your answer was yes.

Dan: Now it's no.

Mary: No to what?

Dan: Whether I would call it Goat Plague or Chicken Plague.

Horace: So what would you call it?

Dan: Well, since it's first seen in my farm, I'd just name it after myself. Instant fame.

Mary: Who said anything about it starting in your farm?

Horace: Yeah! I'd imagined it originating among wild goats!

Ted: Wait, there are way more domesticated goats than wild ones. It's likely that the plague would start with them.

Mary: Also, domesticated goats are in more crowded conditions. I think that might help a plague outbreak.

Horace: It wouldn't help, it would make it worse.

Mary: You know what I mean.

Dan: The way I heard the question, it definitely began on my farm, but I can assure you I wouldn't subject my goats to overcrowding.

Horace: Sounds like Ted didn't explain the question properly.

Ted: Well, it shouldn't matter where the plague starts.

Mary: Dan, what if we just assume it started on your farm, but you see so many new plagues — your farm sucks — that you can't name them all after yourself?

Dan: If my farm were that plague-ridden, I'd get rid of it as fast as I could.

Ted: And leave all the farm animals to die from the Chicken Plague?

Horace: It's the Goat Plague, and it wouldn't kill all the animals. Just the chickens.

Ted: It's ridiculous that you can say that and still not realize that it should be called Chicken Plague.

(Lights go out)

Narrator: And then they all died from the plague.



Copyright 2005 by Ben Heaton, aka Factitious. Sites linked to from this site are probably copyrighted by their respective owners, but the idea of linking to them was mine.